She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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