I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You are the jesus of drinking
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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