Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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