i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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