I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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