I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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