The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
