You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
