I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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