It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
