Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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