I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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