I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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