No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
