i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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