I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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