My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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