i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
