I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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