I will die if light touches me.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
