bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
babies were throwing up all over the place
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
