he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
