when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
