It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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