She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
