How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
