She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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