could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
