I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
