I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
