dude i'm inner monologue high
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
