umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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