I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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