We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
