there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize