Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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