My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
