She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
