Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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