She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
