he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
