EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
