If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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