Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
