I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You can't special order awesome
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
