Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
