We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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