"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
