i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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