that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
