I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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