Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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