recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
