my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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