too bad you live with your parents still
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize